Asalam Alikuym lovelies,
InshaaAllah everyone is well.. So after my depression post I felt I needed to share some more, especially my own journey and some thing's I've learnt along the way.
I love this video. I think he really hits the nail on the head with his description & honestly I really love his "last conversation". Every/Any depressed person needs to hear that. I played this video on repeat several times the first time I watched it ha.. With tears in my eyes & pain in my heart... I don't ever expect people to fix my problems, usually I just want a hug & some empathy, to not feel so alone & receive some support..
Anyways.. I have noticed there's been a stages process with my own depression, I know everyone has different symptoms but perhaps in sharing mine I can point out the signs...
There's a little stage I call pre-depression (in other words depressed but not exactly sure) So I kinda feel like I have been depressed forever but I do remember happier times, when I was more confident, more resilient, more kinder to myself, I could make plans & dreams, I wasn't so emotional or sad and life was just easier..
I'm not 100% what my trigger was, it may have possibily been a miscarriage, the many Earthquakes with the changes in the city, relationship issues.. Anything.. But it started slowly.. I moved in with my family & the symptoms became clear to others, I may have been ignoring them but they couldn't be hidden anymore.. Not being able to sleep, the thoughts about running away or killing myself, the loss of interest in everything, loss of interest in life.. The lashing out at my daughter (who up until that point had been my world.. we were a team who could take on the world)..
I think my sister pointed out that I was always on autopilot, there but not always there.. I was a bit dopey nothing could sink in, I especially couldn't make decisions, I felt like I was spiralling out of control. I'm so glad I was living with family, they helped with Aysha so much at that time..
Next came the cutting (a long term habit but it was brought out into awareness).. I wanted to die! Or run away.. I was having such awful thoughts, at this stage my family took me to a Dr, unfortunately she didn't help much but did prescribe me with antidepressants.. After taking them some people can get worse before they get better, I got worse.. My family especially my sisters would stay up at night with me so I wouldn't do anything stupid. At this stage mental health services got involved, psychologists/hospitals/etc it was a really hard & dark time for me.. But the one thing that stopped my suicidal thoughts was a mental health nurse/worker telling me "don't leave that legacy for your daughter". If anything could make me "wake up" to my damaging thoughts it was Aysha, my light in the darkest place.
I'm not exactly sure if its related to depression but next I had the self-hate, I really hated myself, how I looked/who I was. My confidence & self-esteem dropped so low. Actually its kinda ironic I couldn't/wouldn't sleep but I'd spend ALL day in bed, hiding from the world, from myself.. However the longer I stayed hidden the more I didn't want to leave, days staying at home became weeks, I think the longest I stayed at home was a month. I'm grateful that I had a friend who told me "I feel like you're hiding away" and then proceeded to invite me for coffee once every week.
However with that hiding away I became more withdrawn, less confident.. And one day my sister took me to town & I broke down, I had a panic attack, I had chest pains, started crying & shaking.. It was awful. And then I became aware of my crippling anxiety. Everything & everyone was scary, I had to plan & think of every possible scenario just in case.. Now I used to be a journalist I had to talk to everyone politicians to random people on the street, it was natural & easy, but I became scared of all.. Even answering the phone..
Next there seems to be a stage where everything is under control, you're getting through this, overcoming this illness, the day seems brighter, you ate something and you've even been for a walk! But its too soon, I call these bubble breaks you actually feel good, a brief moment of happiness until wham bubble pops and you're crying on the bathroom floor again..
Sadness is another stage, just feeling overwhelming sad, everything makes you cry, TV commercials, dropping your toast, a plastic bag floating in the wind, a baby duck... The weirdest things trigger those tears, but you just feel sad about everything.. Actually there's a whole bunch of emotional stages, anger is another just feeling angry & frustrated at everything..
I think I'm possibly at an adjustment stage, I know depression is something I will have for life, its no longer about finding a complete cure but managing it.. And therefore letting things not impact me so much, I'm definitely going to have my off days, everyone does but I'm so hopeful that my good days will outnumber them.. I'm trying to take my anti depressants (I've probably not helped myself and been a bit off I found after a while they made me numb & that frustrated me).. I'm trying to find a counsellor who I feel makes me comfortable & helps,. And I'm trying to enjoy each day as it comes.. Ha I'm proud of me I can feel hope, I can enjoy brief moments of the sun shining in my face, of my daughter cuddling me in bed, of a cat purring on my knee, of that first bite of a sweet dessert..
I can notice some of my triggers now, which is part of the reason I left Facebook. I felt attacked at times, mostly with those not understanding, also I guess because I'm such an openly emotional person & I tend to over share (lol blog post example of that right here).
Anyways on that note I'm off to enjoy the sleet. I feel like me & the weather, especially in Dunedin have a lot in common..we're always changing our minds/moods. Today sun, snow & rain have been knocking on my window..
Much love ya'll
Jenn
xx
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