Falling in love with me..

Salam lovelies :)

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post how I just really hated myself, i think that came down to being married to a really critical guy and just generally feeling unhappy in myself and my skin. I think it all comes from low self confidence and esteem but i woke up the other morning and thought Jenn you know what you're gorgeous time to stop hating yourself its enough! so this week especially I've been trying to fall in love with me..

I've battled with my weight for the longest time, I had an eating disorder as a teen and food and i have a love/hate relationship.. My older brother who blatently denies it now used to call me "Jenna-tonne" and as an already unsure young teenage girl that did so much more damage to my self-confidence.. I went to an all girl school and I was one of the young ones with boobs & hips in a class of under-developed girls, looking at my health record from back then I was at a balanced and healthy weight range for my height and age, its so funny when I look back at pictures of myself and I wasn't fat but I thought I was massive.. I seemed to get a lot of judgement about my weight and body from those around me but I have judged myself the most harshly..

So.. I've decided to change my thinking first of all - time to love me

After having a baby, eating my feelings stage of life I can say I'm a plus sized gal, i'd say depending on the brand I average 18/20 but with some size 22's (New Zealand/Aus sizing).. Right now I've decided to change my eating habits not to lose weight but to nourish and take care of my body, fill it with healthy, filling, delicious food, I've decided to exercise at least 3 times a week to start with and go from there but this time i'm working on health not hotness and being skinny lol. But saying that I can still be hot the size and way I am.

I've also dyed my hair blonde and I LOVE it, i'm not sure why i didn't do it sooner, at the moment its at a above neckline length but looking very Marilyn Monroe 1950's chic very sexy hehe.. I'm still figuring out my relationship with hijab, not sure if i should continue to cover my hair or not, I can still be modest in my clothing choices and most importantly I am modest in my speech,manners and actions.. still figuring it all out though and giving myself time to do so..
Speaking of clothes I'm also working on some personal style goals, slowly building my capsule wardrobe with some gorgeous lux items.. so watch this space I'm thinking i may have some OOTD (outfit of the day) posts coming up.

Something I'm learning that I want to share is that liking/loving yourself isn't selfish, you have to take care of you before you can look after others.

Much love ya'll

Jenn
x

What not to Say ...

Asalam Alikuym lovelies,

Another post on the topic ... Man what a depressing blog this is turning out to be lol..

This is kinda a follow on post... I am sad to say I have encountered every single comment on this picture.. And more.. I guess that's why I make sure I NEVER minimalise or say something that may cause more pain when someone reaches out.. It takes so much courage to actually say.. Hey I'm not feeling so well, I'm not coping, i feel like I'm drowning here, even to say I'm depressed.. Big deal guys its a very big deal..

Being a Muslim with an mental illness/depression I've also encountered the "lack of faith" comments:
These being:

You must just have weak Iman.
You just need to pray more.
You need to read Qu'ran, I mean Really read it.
Maybe you have a jinn?!
If you really believed....
Be grateful you're not in Gaza/Syria/Iran/ "Insert struggling conflicting or oppressed country here"

Can I be honest and say the clichcè quotes about Allah testing us, Prison for a believer, etc although can be encouraging need to be said in the most caring way not thrown out there like venom or an after thought.. I'm gonna write a what to say post soon inshaaAllah.

In saying any of these things you're minimalising and therefore making the depressed person feel worse..

To quote a proverb : The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise bring healing".

Much love

Xx

Sharing my journey.. depression

Asalam Alikuym lovelies,

InshaaAllah everyone is well.. So after my depression post I felt I needed to share some more, especially my own journey and some thing's I've learnt along the way.

I love this video. I think he really hits the nail on the head with his description & honestly I really love his "last conversation". Every/Any depressed person needs to hear that. I played this video on repeat several times the first time I watched it ha.. With tears in my eyes & pain in my heart... I don't ever expect people to fix my problems, usually I just want a hug & some empathy, to not feel so alone & receive some support..

Anyways..  I have noticed there's been a stages process with my own depression, I know everyone has different symptoms but perhaps in sharing mine I can point out the signs...
There's a little stage I call pre-depression (in other words depressed but not exactly sure) So I kinda feel like I have been depressed forever but I do remember happier times, when I was more confident, more resilient, more kinder to myself, I could make plans & dreams, I wasn't so emotional or sad and life was just easier..

I'm not 100% what my trigger was, it may have possibily been a miscarriage, the many Earthquakes with the changes in the city, relationship issues.. Anything.. But it started slowly.. I moved in with my family & the symptoms became clear to others, I may have been ignoring them but they couldn't be hidden anymore.. Not being able to sleep, the thoughts about running away or killing myself, the loss of interest in everything, loss of interest in life.. The lashing out at my daughter (who up until that point had been my world.. we were a team who could take on the world)..
I think my sister pointed out that I was always on autopilot, there but not always there.. I was a bit dopey nothing could sink in, I especially couldn't make decisions, I felt like I was spiralling out of control. I'm so glad I was living with family, they helped with Aysha so much at that time..

Next came the cutting (a long term habit but it was brought out into awareness).. I wanted to die! Or run away.. I was having such awful thoughts, at this stage my family took me to a Dr, unfortunately she didn't help much but did prescribe me with antidepressants.. After taking them some people can get worse before they get better, I got worse.. My family especially my sisters would stay up at night with me so I wouldn't do anything stupid. At this stage mental health services got involved, psychologists/hospitals/etc it was a really hard & dark time for me.. But the one thing that stopped my suicidal thoughts was a mental health nurse/worker telling me "don't leave that legacy for your daughter". If anything could make me "wake up" to my damaging thoughts it was Aysha, my light in the darkest place.

I'm not exactly sure if its related to depression but next I had the self-hate, I really hated myself, how I looked/who I was. My confidence & self-esteem dropped so low. Actually its kinda ironic I couldn't/wouldn't sleep but I'd spend ALL day in bed, hiding from the world, from myself.. However the longer I stayed hidden the more I didn't want to leave, days staying at home became weeks, I think the longest I stayed at home was a month. I'm grateful that I had a friend who told me "I feel like you're hiding away" and then proceeded to invite me for coffee once every week.

However with that hiding away I became more withdrawn, less confident.. And one day my sister took me to town & I broke down, I had a panic attack, I had chest pains, started crying & shaking.. It was awful. And then I became aware of my crippling anxiety. Everything & everyone was scary, I had to plan & think of every possible scenario just in case.. Now I used to be a journalist I had to talk to everyone politicians to random people on the street, it was natural & easy, but I became scared of all.. Even answering the phone..

Next there seems to be a stage where everything is under control, you're getting through this, overcoming this illness, the day seems brighter, you ate something and you've even been for a walk! But its too soon, I call these bubble breaks you actually feel good, a brief moment of happiness until wham bubble pops and you're crying on the bathroom floor again..

Sadness is another stage, just feeling overwhelming sad, everything makes you cry, TV commercials, dropping your toast, a plastic bag floating in the wind, a baby duck... The weirdest things trigger those tears, but you just feel sad about everything.. Actually there's a whole bunch of emotional stages, anger is another just feeling angry & frustrated at everything..

I think I'm possibly at an adjustment stage, I know depression is something I will have for life, its no longer about finding a complete cure but managing it.. And therefore letting things not impact me so much, I'm definitely going to have my off days, everyone does but I'm so hopeful that my good days will outnumber them.. I'm trying to take my anti depressants (I've probably not helped myself and been a bit off I found after a while they made me numb & that frustrated me).. I'm trying to find a counsellor who I feel makes me comfortable & helps,. And I'm trying to enjoy each day as it comes.. Ha I'm proud of me I can feel hope, I can enjoy brief moments of the sun shining in my face, of my daughter cuddling me in bed, of a cat purring on my knee, of that first bite of a sweet dessert..

I can notice some of my triggers now, which is part of the reason I left Facebook. I felt attacked at times, mostly with those not understanding, also I guess because I'm such an openly emotional person & I tend to over share (lol blog post example of that right here).

Anyways on that note I'm off to enjoy the sleet. I feel like me & the weather, especially in Dunedin have a lot in common..we're always changing our minds/moods. Today sun, snow & rain have been knocking on my window..

Much love ya'll

Jenn
xx

Depression...

Asalam Alikuym lovelies,

So this week a well known actor known to bring joy to many through his comedy acts and movies committed suicide.. And it wasn't so much WHO he was, even though so many of his movies were brought out during my childhood (so therefore bring happy memories) but more the way he died, alone in a horrific act of desperation..
It brought Depression & suicide into the lime light but it also brought misunderstanding, people commenting without thinking how their words affect others and the same old deal of thinking depression is only a mood not an illness.

I have depression, clinical depression, last time I went to the Dr she mentioned reactive depression.. But I had PND (which I will discuss another day due to me never hearing a Muslim ever mention that so I'll bring it some awareness... oops tangent..) Anyways as I was saying I had PND after my daughter was born, there is a family history, I've been through Earthquakes (different people respond to events in different ways) and sadly there's been some psychological abuse in some of my relationships, but I really don't know what has caused my depression nobody can really know.. Its a chemical imbalance but from what I've been told depression can be caused by stress of an event or a series of events, they could of happened recently or a long time ago & just need a trigger to start the process of emotional unravelling.. Now not every depressed person needs a large event to have triggered their depression I think everyone will agree with me that life is full of big & little events.. But believe me I'm not an expert on depression and nobody really truly knows what causes depression..and each individual is different.

Also most people with depression have other mental illness such as Occupational Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), kleptomania, hypochondria, Social Phobias, Anxiety issues, but that's just opening a whole new can of worms..

Am I waffling??!

Why I am writing about this today well I want to share some of the ways people, mostly Muslims have responded and perhaps guide them in how to deal in a more caring way in helping our depressed brothers & sisters..

OK still with me? So depression is a real illness, some describe it as a chemical imbalance, so sometimes medication is needed to help get the brain & body back to "normal". I myself have personally been on both Citalopham & Prozac (aka Fluox).. I all be honest with you it can be scary to start them and often symptoms & thoughts & moods associated with depression can get worse.. Much worse! Before they get better.. They have some scary side effects - nausea, dizziness, diarrhoea, weight loss or gain.. In the first 2 weeks you're at a higher risk of suicide.. I've also tried natural medications... But basically the point I'm trying to make is medication is usually part of the process in getting better for many depression sufferers.

Telling a sister or brother not to take antidepressants is not only unwise it can also be dangerous, unless you personally have a degree in medicine/pharmaceuticals/naturopathy and can give a guaranteed solution never ever tell someone not to take their medications. Ever!!

Which brings me to the ridiculous things some unknowledgable Muslims may say.. One is just pray more, read more Qu'ran, make more dhikr as a depressed person I can personally tell you I've spent hours praying, hours reading Q'uran hours in worship yes it has helped me but its like that hadith "Trust Allah, but tie your camel tight." We do trust Allah but as cliche as it is you would never tell a cancer patient to not take chemo/radiation but just trust Allah, you would never tell a diabetic to not take their insulin. (Ironically I am diabetic and have been told diabetes & depression are linked for some people.. Oops tangent again). So its unwise to tell a depressed person that by prayer & reading Qu'ran alone will help them.. (#Prayer does help so much and can overcome anything by the Power of Allah.)

Depression has so many emotions, it can come through in many forms, sadness, anger, fear, frustration.. Feeling these emotions & expressing them, verbalising them, crying having a cry does help a depressed person, comparing their feelings & problems to something else doesn't help.. Its better to allow that person to cry,vent,scream, respect & give room for their feelings.

I also suggest not minamilising a persons problems and comparing them to something extremely bigger than them or telling them to have perspective... I was told just this week that I should be grateful I'm not in Gaza.. Saying something like this can be extremely hurtful and make the depressed person feel smaller & worse than they already do.

Umm..I find nobody is more judgemental than myself towards myself (make sense I mean I'm my own worst critic).  I judge myself harshly, I judge myself how I think others judge me(and its probably all in my head) but when someone comments or says something that comes across judgemental it becomes overwhelming.. I know ultimately only Allah's judgement & opinion matter but I'm depressed I can't help it.. :-(

So what can we do for our depressed friends & family.. I'd say give empathy, kindness, listening to their problems even if you think their problems are trivial or little, in that head of theirs those problems are huge & overwhelming.. Check in on them (sending a message/text/calling/emailing/visiting) it helps them feel less isolated.. Give hugs, don't give advice unless asked, and never ever act like you know better than their health or mental health care..

Also if you are feeling depressed never feel ashamed to reach out for help, you are not alone.. You are important & loved. Allah wants you happy & to live your life & meet him in Jannah. (Not the alternative which I will not mention).. I'm in New Zealand so am happy to pass on depression or suicide helplines here but if you are overseas and reading this get in touch with me & I'll point you in the direction for help inshaaAllah.

Much love all

Jenn

XxX

Eid ...

Asalam Alikuym lovelies,

Can I be honest & say I'm not looking forward to Eid this year, with the suffering of our ummah but also because my Eid's are always the same.. We attend Eid prayers where I feel overwhelmed by the crowds, can't hear the imam, feel squished and try to pray with a clingy child attached.. Its all part of her Islamic upbringing though eh.. Then Aysha spends the day with her Dad going to a Pakistani community function.. I've attempted to go in the past but the language barrier is too much and I often feel extremely lonely at these events so instead I spend the day by myself watching some sort of TV series or movies. Last year Aysha was sick so it was nice to spend the day cuddled with her on the couch.

This year I'm not even sure if I'll be spending Eid in Dunedin or Christchurch, a Dunedin Eid would mean I'd probably just carry on as usual, Aysha would take day off from school though & that may be the most exciting part for her lol..(I don't think I can go to the prayers as my body won't let me this year.. Don't ask).. Last year I brought presents for my christian family, which was fun but then months down the track I had to buy them Christmas presents too so it was just spending $$ I didn't really have.
However an Eid in Christchurch would just be the same as always..

Nevermind Eid's even though they are meant to be our special holidays its not all about me.. its about giving Aysha some special memories, giving her the feeling that she's a part of the Muslim Community & that Eid is part of her growing up in New Zealand as a Muslim kid (which hopefully means a day off school, a pretty outfit, some yummy food & presents)

So anyways.. Like I planned for the beginning of Ramadan, I thought I'd do an Eid themed basket from stuff I've collected over the last few months.

So far there's books with Eid themes:

Cinderella -An Islamic Tale by Fawzia Gilani (Islamic fairy tales woohoo.. There's also Snow White & Sleeping Beauty in the series).. It mentions Eid prayers and celebrations even though its more about Eid al-Huda; I'm still including it as part of the Eid theme.

Little Batuls Eid Celebration - by Munise Ulker. This story also is written for Eid al-Huda but I felt extremely relevant for this Eid too, its a story about kids living in western countries away from the Eid feel of other Muslim countries. I love how they mentioned talking to grandparents overseas & still keeping up with Eid traditions.

Searching for the Eid Moon - Adventures of Mystical Desert Island part 1- Thuraya Ali.  As the title suggests a story about the search for the Eid Moon at the end of fasting. Quite a lengthy story but since one of the only books I could find on the Eid al-Fitr topic including it here.

Eid Kareem Ameer Saab & Aminah & Aisha's Eid Gifts both by Fawzia Gilini-Williams. Both by Goodword books

There's also a Islamic themed puzzle, Eid party plates, Eid postcards, Eid Confetti, An Eid banner & an Elephant sandwhich cutter.

I was trying to go for a simple but ethusiastic little collection to bring a celebratory feel to Eid for Aysha. Unfortunately I just can't seem to get into hype mode for Eid.

Actually one day I'd love to throw Aysha a really fun & unique Eid party I even have it planned out in my head lol..decorating, Having a pinyata, playing party games like pin the tail on the Qurbani or pin hijab pin on the hijabi, musical/nasheedi prayer rugs, minarets & tunnels(candle sticks), pass the parcel, wudu or salah game instead of the chocolate game, decorating cookies & eating yummy middle eastern & desi & kiwi fusion party food.. Haha I know I'm nuts..

Anyways may you all have a blessed Eid inshaaAllah.

Much love

Jenn

xxx

Hear my Voice

Asalam Alikuym,

OK so basically I'm an outsider I have no connections with Palestine nor "Israel". I only know what I observe through news networks, blogs & social media. BUT I am a Muslim & I am human & I have a heart that gets broken over blood shed, my eyes fill with tears & my heart hurts when I see our brothers & sisters & babies of the Ummah being killed & injured in ridiculously high numbers for what appears to be no reason than the fact they were born on a piece of land called Palestine.

As a fellow Muslim I can no longer sit quietly, I must share!

Once upon a time I was a journalist, a radio journalist, I was required to tell short & precise stories to get facts & events out to the general public. So I will try my hardest to write without the waffle..

You would of had to have been living under a rock to not have heard about the Attack on Gaza/Palestine this July from the Israeli Army/Government or as Western media calls it an "Israeli-Palestinian conflict".. Ha a few stones & small rockets against a full force air strike/bombings & land/port invasion isn't a war but an attack & genocide of the Palestinian people.

I'm not going to go into political or historical nitty gritty, honestly any Google search could tell you about that (just be sure to search through the bs & propaganda) but basically the piece of geography in question known as Palestine is a region that has a long & rocky history including cultural, commericial, political & religious conflict. "Israel" as it is known was born as a Jewish state in 1948.

Since 1948 the Palestinian people of the land have lost their homes, watched their land be overtaken, watched homes destroyed & replaced, lost generations in attacks, ranging from oldest grandparents to the newest babies and everyone inbetween, they can't leave, they're being starved and denied basic human rights ..thanks to this so called Nation "Israel".. Can you honestly tell me if this was your country & family you would accept it peacefully without fighting? No definitely not?!!

We have to speak out, even if no government or anyone else listens one day our voices will be the voice of the past of history..

Continue to pray for our Palestinian family, don't allow them to think they are alone. Cry out to Allah, use your tears, get angry, use your voice.. I remember being told of a hadith which says if you see an evil change it by his hands, if he cannot then his voice/speech, if he cannot then within his heart. (Muslim). So please don't forget or give up on them!

I leave you today with this link to a letter from Gaza. Please read & share.

Much love
Xx

Writers Block - Not knowing what to say

Asalam Alikuym lovelies,

InshaaAllah your Ramadan is going smoothly?

I've been in Christchurch with Aysha visiting her dad, trying to see if we can move forward as a family, trying to make huge decisions which has been really hard with everything thats going on.
The weather has been yucky so we spent most of our days at home on the couch watching movies and keeping updated with the news, I don't think i need to remind everyone about how depressing news is atm especially the situation in Gaza / Palestine..
I feel my heart being broken every time i see a picture of a child caught in the conflict. Its like the people of Palestine are pawns in something so much bigger than them, than us... the loss of life,homes, land, is devastating.. I just feel overwhelmed but at least we still have the ability to pray.. Prayer can do what we cant...

So thats why i've been kinda quiet guys, I'm feeling somehow that my words can't form i cant just carry on as normal.. Need to shake this depression.. I find being a person who suffers from Depression as an Illness some things just really weigh me down, especially when i'm feeling overwhelmed.

Please Remember Palestine and all of our other oppressed Muslims in your dua.

xx